My friend sat across from me in the cafe area of the church and said these words carefully as if to feel out whether or not the statement might set me off or hurt my feelings. I considered the question and answered with the best response I could muster.
"It's all selfish isn't it?" I meant to say that all pursuit of greater truth be it god or science or anything else is done with the self in mind. If its a pursuit of god, then it might be for salvation sake, or for the sake of connecting with god as an individual. There are definitely selfish reasons for it. That does not make the pursuit of god a bad thing though.
In much the same way one does not read the classics in order to better the world or the people in it, but to better one's self -- to grow, to learn, to heal, to enrich your mind, to save your soul, to rescue you from evil or ignorance. These are the reasons we pursue god, literature, science, spirituality and reason.
So the answer is yes, after a recent trip out of the country, I chose to believe in god based on a rather exclusive and subjective experience I had personally. This decision is based on selfish observations. But that in and of itself does not disqualify the experience and choice from being relevant, meaningful and true for me.
The experience was deeply personal and it involved an answer to specific prayers, a felt sense of love by another person, an acceptance and welcoming from people I would not have expected a welcoming from, a confirmation of earlier beliefs going back to childhood, providence and protection and favor and good-timing and all of the other buzz words used to describe an interaction with god.
I would go into great detail on all of this, but I would like to refrain from over-sharing. Let's suffice it to say that I came to see that god is real, and that god genuinely cares for people and their various plights for the sake of love and other. God showed me himself/herself/itself that night at Whataburger and I wanted nothing more to do with it.
But as they say, God aggressively pursues his people. I was made to see and believe once again. Does that mean I have all the answers? No, in fact I have more questions than ever. Does it mean that god is right for you, or that I am trying to sell god to you or belief in god? Of course not, that kind of behavior irritates me when I see others do it.
What I am saying is this. I believe in god. I choose to worship god in the context of the Christian experience because that is what I know best. Your beliefs are your beliefs and I respect that. I ask that you would do the same for me. Thanks for reading.
I've really enjoyed this, John. You have a gr at talent for effectively communicating your ideas, and I hope I get to read more of your writings.
ReplyDeleteI admit that I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night crying out to God, hoping He is actually there. Unfortunately, I always awake the next morning to the same reality I fell asleep with the night before.
I'm happy that you've found your way, and I sincerely hope that it continues to work for you.
Bruce, thanks for that generous comment. I sometimes wonder if anyone reads my stuff. This blog series has helped me to hash things out a bit. I hear you about harsh realities and appreciate your take on this stuff as well. :)
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