Evangelical Test: If the words "secular" and "humanist" just set off a red flag or loud alarm in your head, then you know you are deeply embedded in the evangelical/fundamentalist culture and way of thinking. I might as well have said a "Satanic, God-Hating" community -- right? However, those words in and of themselves don't really describe anything bad. The word "secular" merely means "non-religious", and the term "humanist" merely means "celebrating of humanity". If you really think about it, Jesus fit both of these descriptions in his time here on earth. So don't knock it until you try it.
There was an honest approach to living that these folks had adopted that blows away most forms of community I have ever been involved with including the church.
There were atheists, agnostics and believers mixed in with this lovely group of people and they all seemed to get along fine, choosing to focus on topics of discussion that were scientific and educational in nature. It was and still is a beautiful thing, and I am not done with those good people.
This particular evening however, I was coming home from an experimental group I belonged to. We were getting together to try and see if we had what it took to form a quasi-religious, irreligious community of our own. In my mind this community would be more open to issues of faith and might possibly be a blended group of believers and non-believers alike from all walks of faith and life.
The title of my message that I shared that evening was "Because the Greek philosopher told me so." This was an expose' of the Christian religion and how much of the ideas, patterns and theologies that we have adopted in our faith are not really found in the Bible, but are borrowed from Greek philosophy,
In the end, I found myself in a heated discussion with my friends that made me realize three things:
1. I did not want to give up on the Bible, just the old ways of viewing scripture that were not entirely scriptural or considerate of the context in which it was written.
2. I was not an atheist all the time.
3. This experimental group would be short-lived for me, because I may have been the only advocate for the Bible as a reference.
One of the members argued that we should not even be using the Bible because it mentions things in scripture like justified rape and promotes slavery and misogyny. I had very little to respond with except to say that we can't throw the baby out with the bath water. All in all I was pretty disappointed in the end. I felt that I had failed my friends and that I maybe even failed myself as a wanna-be atheist. I was in deep thought about these things when I pulled up to the Whataburger drive-through.
My standard order? A number 2 with cheese, grilled onions, mayo instead of mustard, no pickles with a large Diet Coke. As I rolled down my window on this balmy Summer's eve though, something strange happened. No, I did not see a fiery chariot descend from the heavens with 14 faces and tongues of fire, sporting a goatee and a moderately large pair of Ray-ban reading glasses (I know you were thinking that).
I felt it. You know what I mean by it? Refer to this post if unsure (or just keep reading). I felt that benevolent, parental presence surrounding my vehicle and enveloping all of the empty space between me and the world around me. It was huge and powerful and overwhelming and I started to cry.
I was flabbergasted. I was angry, and to be honest I felt a little crazy. Like, why doesn't anyone else ever complain about feeling this presence in their lives? Why do I have to be so damn aware of the thing? What the hell is it?
I yelled out loud (in my mind) at the thing "leave me alone".
That's when I heard the voice.
It sounded a little garbled at first, and I had some trouble making out the words in the message, but once I recognized the sound of it's voice, I readily understood the meaning behind those words. Here is my best interpretation of them.
"Welcome to Whataburger. Can I take your order?"
"Uh, yes, let me get a number 2..."
After talking to the nice lady over the small voice box I resumed my conversation with big and silent.
"I am trying to be an atheist. Would you leave me alone please?"
silence
"What in the hell are you anyway?"
nothing
I pulled up to the window and paid my 8 dollars or so and wondered why hamburgers costs so much and then the thing was gone as fast as it came. It was like it was taunting me. Staying barely in the margins, watching and waiting. Always there, never completely gone. It was as if the entity were waiting to be there for me, anxiously waiting to comfort me and watch over me like it did in years past. But, I wanted nothing more to do with it.
I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous to some of my more intellectual friends (trust me I am right there with you), psychotic to those who are more in tune with mental health issues and down-right offensive to folks of faith, but I can't explain these encounters any better than to just say what I saw and describe what I felt. I know that I risk appearing over or under spiritual. I know that this sounds like the ramblings of a mad man. But, it is what it is.
I explained this encounter to a friend of mine from my community and she helped me to understand things better. She said that being an atheist is not necessarily about denying that God exists. There could very well be a god, or gods in our world, but if those beings do nothing for humanity, nothing for us in general, why waste time trying to get to know them or trying to understand them?
I truly appreciated her take on things and there is a lot of truth to what she told me. In essence, if all God does is make me feel less afraid, but does not actually conquer evil, maybe I can do that on my own. If all my god manages to do is help me sleep, why can't I just take a pill rather than to pay homage to the great unknown?
What good is a real God, if God does no real good?
More on this later...
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