The below story is a Christmas gift from my little brother (Darrell Martinez) to me, my family and subsequently all of the folks that read this blog.
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through our apartment, not a creature was stirring, except our four cats. I mean really, try and keep four cats from stirring -- it can't be done. The stockings were out, hung from coat hangars on the kitchen door. The Christmas lights were on, tangled and tied around the balcony... with care, and the tinkle-dribble sounds of two fish tanks hung in the air. We slept quite soundly, long used to the noise, of those damn four cats and all of their toys. Anthony in his Snuggie® -- hogging the bed, and I in my Decepticon® PJs sleeping the sleep of the dead.
When all of a sudden I awoke to such racket, like a loud sawing-grinding-vibrating repeating grating... oh that was just Anthony snoring... nevermind, I went back to sleep. But, I woke again to the shattering of glass,so I crawled out of bed to kick some cat-ass. Out to the living room I stumbled in vain -- ready to bring down that mad Christmas kitty-pain. But Oh! With my bleary half-shut eyes did I see, but Santa himself-as plain as can be. He had come through the patio windows as we don't have a chimney. He was all covered in mud and looking quite dingy. His hat was all torn and he held in his hand, the leg of a reindeer that had been gnawed-on quite bad.
He smelled of a sewer that had puked up rancid meat and I hoped against hope that he couldn't hear my heartbeat. "Murr-aah?" He moaned, as he looked right at me. "Fuck!" I exclaimed as my shorts filled with pee. Then, here he came running and the blood in me surged, I knew that this Christmas-hell-beast needed to be purged. From my home, from this holiday, from this block at least - so I tackle-blocked his ass back down to the street!
Over the balcony he flew and fell with such a clatter, that the neghbors next door came out to see what's the matter! Chang, Bang and Tian -- the Asians next door -- all fell to Santa's blood thirst in a scene of much gore! Santa grabbed onto Chang -- grabbed him full in the face--and blood and hair flew all over the place. Bang screamed out shrill and then tried to run, but Santa got to him quick -- the end to Bang-Sun! Tian just stood there quite frozen in fear, and Santa smashed him hard with the bloody foot of his deer.
Down went Tian and Santa did feast. And I knew in my cockles I'd have to "sleigh" the beast. So onto my laptop -- I flew with such speed, and posted to facebook my dire Christmas need. Then into my closet--I rummaged for the sword, that had been won on Ebay--for a hefty reward. Then out to the lot--I ran with much haste, for this crazed undead Santa I needed to waste. People were running now, all this way n' that - and Chang, Bang & Tian were up from their nap. Returned from the dead, though not quite entirely --They chewed on that annoying dog from the bitch in twenty-three. I dispatched them most quickly--with a sword through the head. "Must finish this fast and return to my bed!" Santa had vanished, screams all around, so I followed the noise and guess what I found. A bath most bloody-to my eyes did appear, of my neighbors all falling to brain-hungry reindeer.
With a red suited fat-man running around quick, I knew in a moment -"His ass I must kick!" Then he roared ugly, up to the sky, and 'round came his minions in the blink of an eye. Half-eaten and bloodied I chopped them as they came. As Santa shouted and groaned, I downed them by name. "Die Dasher! Die Dancer! Die Prancer and Vixen! FALL COMET, FALL CUPIT, FALL DONDER AND BLITZEN!" Slashed the tops of their heads, chopped at them all! Slashed away! Chopped away! Diced away all!
Then bloated but hungry, Santa came for me fast, it was finally time that I dispatched him at last. His eyes shined at me, crimson. Oh yes, very scary. His cheeks were all a'torn, his nose dripped of cherry. His lips curled back to bare broken teeth, I drew up my sword and threw down the sheath. I put my blade in his face and slashed at his belly. his gut spills out thickly like a bag full of jelly. He lunged at me sharply, his finger grazing my nose. Then I gave him a nod and up my sword rose, In a bright slash, in a grand swooping sweep- I took his head off cleanly and he fell in a heap. With a twitch and a quiver he died once more, not knowing what nightmare he encountered before.
I kicked at the corpse of the old elf in red--making quite sure that the hell-beast was dead. Then came the town clock - clanging out twelve, and I laughed when I heard it, in spite of myself. So I turned 'round quickly and shouted out right - "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-FRIGHT!"
-- Darrell Martinez 2011
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