The Night (of the living dead) Before Christmas

The below story is a Christmas gift from my little brother (Darrell Martinez) to me, my family and subsequently all of the folks that read this blog.

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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through our apartment, not a creature was stirring, except our four cats.  I mean really, try and keep four cats from stirring -- it can't be done.  The stockings were out, hung from coat hangars on the kitchen door.  The Christmas lights were on, tangled and tied around the balcony... with care, and the tinkle-dribble sounds of two fish tanks hung in the air.  We slept quite soundly, long used to the noise, of those damn four cats and all of their toys. Anthony in his Snuggie® -- hogging the bed, and I in my Decepticon® PJs sleeping the sleep of the dead.

When all of a sudden I awoke to such racket, like a loud sawing-grinding-vibrating repeating grating... oh that was just Anthony snoring... nevermind, I went back to sleep.  But, I woke again to the shattering of glass,so I crawled out of bed to kick some cat-ass.  Out to the living room I stumbled in vain -- ready to bring down that mad Christmas kitty-pain.  But Oh! With my bleary half-shut eyes did I see, but Santa himself-as plain as can be.  He had come through the patio windows as we don't have a chimney.  He was all covered in mud and looking quite dingy.  His hat was all torn and he held in his hand, the leg of a reindeer that had been gnawed-on quite bad.

He smelled of a sewer that had puked up rancid meat and I hoped against hope that he couldn't hear my heartbeat.  "Murr-aah?"  He moaned, as he looked right at me.  "Fuck!"  I exclaimed as my shorts filled with pee.  Then, here he came running and the blood in me surged, I knew that this Christmas-hell-beast needed to be purged.  From my home, from this holiday, from this block at least - so I tackle-blocked his ass back down to the street!

Over the balcony he flew and fell with such a clatter, that the neghbors next door came out to see what's the matter!  Chang, Bang and Tian -- the Asians next door -- all fell to Santa's blood thirst in a scene of much gore!  Santa grabbed onto Chang -- grabbed him full in the face--and blood and hair flew all over the place.  Bang screamed out shrill and then tried to run, but Santa got to him quick -- the end to Bang-Sun!  Tian just stood there quite frozen in fear, and Santa smashed him hard with the bloody foot of his deer.  

Down went Tian and Santa did feast.  And I knew in my cockles I'd have to "sleigh" the beast.  So onto my laptop -- I flew with such speed, and posted to facebook my dire Christmas need.  Then into my closet--I rummaged for the sword, that had been won on Ebay--for a hefty reward.  Then out to the lot--I ran with much haste, for this crazed undead Santa I needed to waste.  People were running now, all this way n' that - and Chang, Bang & Tian were up from their nap.  Returned from the dead, though not quite entirely --They chewed on that annoying dog from the bitch in twenty-three.  I dispatched them most quickly--with a sword through the head.  "Must finish this fast and return to my bed!"  Santa had vanished, screams all around, so I followed the noise and guess what I found.  A bath most bloody-to my eyes did appear, of my neighbors all falling to brain-hungry reindeer.  

With a red suited fat-man running around quick, I knew in a moment -"His ass I must kick!"  Then he roared ugly, up to the sky, and 'round came his minions in the blink of an eye.  Half-eaten and bloodied I chopped them as they came.  As Santa shouted and groaned, I downed them by name. "Die Dasher!  Die Dancer!  Die Prancer and Vixen!  FALL COMET, FALL CUPIT, FALL DONDER AND BLITZEN!"  Slashed the tops of their heads, chopped at them all!  Slashed away!  Chopped away!  Diced away all!  

Then bloated but hungry, Santa came for me fast, it was finally time that I dispatched him at last. His eyes shined at me, crimson.  Oh yes, very scary.  His cheeks were all a'torn, his nose dripped of cherry.  His lips curled back to bare broken teeth, I drew up my sword and threw down the sheath.  I put my blade in his face and slashed at his belly.  his gut spills out thickly like a bag full of jelly.  He lunged at me sharply, his finger grazing my nose.  Then I gave him a nod and up my sword rose,  In a bright slash, in a grand swooping sweep- I took his head off cleanly and he fell in a heap.  With a twitch and a quiver he died once more, not knowing what nightmare he encountered before.

I kicked at the corpse of the old elf in red--making quite sure that the hell-beast was dead.  Then came the town clock - clanging out twelve, and I laughed when I heard it, in spite of myself.  So I turned 'round quickly and shouted out right - "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-FRIGHT!"

-- Darrell Martinez 2011

I want a GI Joe with the Kung-fu Grip

When I was a kid I remember having such definite dreams about Christmas gifts.  One year I was sure I wanted the GI Joe with the Kung-fu grip.  Not sure what the draw was for that man-doll back then. I just knew it would be cool to have one.  He had a tiny little fist that was separated in half at the palm and when you flipped the lever in his back down his hand would close into a magical kung-fu grip that could fuse carbon steel.  Well, I never really tested out the whole metal fusion thing, but I was convinced it could happen.

The cool thing about GI Joe toys was that there was no GI Joe cartoon back then, no GI Joe Movie, nothing.  GI Joe was an imaginary character that did not exist in reality or in TVLand or the Movies.  At the time, my favorite cousin in-law was actually enlisted in the Marine Corp and away from home serving in some place called Vietnam in a war that affected me very little at the time other than the absence of one of my favorite playmates.

Jodie looked a little like GI Joe.  So, it was easy to imagine that when we were fighting crime with GI Joe, Jodie was there taking out criminals left and right with his kung-fu grip.  When we were saving the damsel Naked-Barbie from Ken’s chronic domestic abuse, Jodie was there rescuing the poor girl and sweeping her into his arms after high-kicking Ken in his bronzed-tan face.  Of course it was only temporary, because Jodie was married to my favorite cousin Sandy, and Naked-Barbie was always convinced by Ken’s multiple apologies and bouquets of plastic flowers that life in the dream home with Ken was all she was good for.  For some reason Barbie never had clothes on in my house.  I think it was a bit of a trade-off we made.  See, I grew up with four brothers, no sisters.  So, it makes sense that Barbie would be naked, thus… Naked Barbie.

The year after that it was Stretch Armstrong.  Stretch was a rubber man that was filled with what had to be radioactive jelly.  As you tugged on his arms and legs they would stretch to the furthest extent of the rubber making him the amazing stretching man.  That is until Stretch developed ulcers in his armpits and the inguinal region of his crotch.  Not just ulcers, but bleeding ulcers.  That gooey clear jelly stuff would get on you and it was a little like getting rubber cement on you.  It did not come off easily, soap and water did not work to remove it.  It took days for that stickiness to go away.  Kids I knew back then that owned a Stretch Armstrong are now dead from cancer.  Just saying.

Life is easy when you know what you want for Christmas isn’t it?  The question is fairly benign, but if you think about it, when you know what you want for Christmas, you know a lot.  You probably know what it would take to make you happy, and that is more than most folks can say.  Sure, sure the obligatory response is, I just need my family and I will be happy, or I just want to be home with those I love and around my friends.  But, when we are honest, most of us have settled for realities that are far from what we REALLY want.  Isn’t that true? 

I mean do you really have the greatest job in the world?  Maybe you do, but most people, the lucky ones are somewhere between “well at least I have a job in this economy” and “I get paid and it’s not complete torture.” Many others hate their job.

Are you really with the person you want to be with for the rest of your life?  Is there really such a person?  Do you even like your kids?  Is there really just one thing that you could receive at Christmas that will make your life significantly better?  Is there?  Be honest.   Do we really even have something in our head when asked “what will make you truly happy?” 

Life was so simple when I was a kid.  That GI Joe, Stretch Armstrong, Huffy bike, roller skates – those things made my life wonderful as a kid.  They were all I needed to ensure happiness that year.  Maybe Christmas is about making our kids happy by getting them that one thing, but for adults it’s about learning to be happy without that one thing.  Maybe Christmas for adults is about longing, awaiting, expecting.  I mean, the thing about Christmas is this.  Jesus comes, but then he goes doesn’t he?  He goes in such a gruesome way.  Life is kind of like that.  The things we long for, the things we await, they do come eventually, but then they are only around for awhile and then poof – their gone. 

That is why we learn to appreciate what we have.  It’s not because we can’t go out there and get better.  It’s not because we are doomed to only have a little.  It’s because we know that everything is fleeting, everything temporary.  Even when we get exactly what we want, we almost always have to give it up.  On top of that, we almost always want more, don’t we?  More.

We learn to appreciate what we have because, what we have is just like all those other things.  It is just as temporary, just as fragile, yet just as good.  As we get older we learn that everything and everyone have a lot in common.  That toys break, that family is just that – family.  They are part of you.  Anything you don’t like about them is probably your fault, because they are really part of you and you of them.  That the perfect person we thought we wanted to be with proved to be crazy, sickly, or perfect for some other guy or gal.  That the job we thought we wanted, turned out to actually just be “work” in the end.

Maybe Christmas is about realizing that nothing is right, everything is wrong.  It’s about knowing though that things will be better one day.  It’s about longing, awaiting, expecting for that perfection.  It’s about Jesus, and other stuff.  I wish each of you a very Merry Christmas.  Love what you have – who you have, and if you find yourself longing for more, join the rest of us in that longing.  It’s called being a grown-up, welcome to it.

Maybe if Naked-Barbie caught on to this strange kind of Christmas Spirit, she would have left Ken eventually and gone to a shelter for women, taken him to court, divorced him and gotten the dream house, sold the house and went to college, and ultimately built a life for herself of “not enough” like the rest of us.  

Would you lie with me?

Relationships are the most important things in existence. I am talking about marriage, family, friendships and communities. Sure there are a lot of things that get revolved around these relationships. Things like the finances, or the living situations, the work, the church, the stuff. There is so much stuff.

In the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol, it conveys this idea, that the most important thing in the world, right now, is us. We get so hung up on everything else. All of these other things are simply distractions from us.

Things are necessary in a life, don’t get me wrong. Without a job us (we) may have to live in the street. Without a church there would be no focused attention on God and community and love, but without us there would be no church. God knows this as well. 

I am convinced that Jesus came to earth to tell us about us. In the Sermon on the Mount the very first thing that Jesus talks about is the fact that EVERYONE is us. Everyone counts -- the poor, the persecuted, the rejected ones of the religious system -- everyone is us. There is no them.

We are all us. Jesus came and said once and for all, all of you are Blessed, all of you count, all of you are part of us. (Matthew 5:1-11) He stood up for all of the people that were previously left out – the them of their day.

Not only that, but he spent the next several hundred words painting a picture of how we go about including them with us. Next he talks about how we have got to stop concealing our love, our joy, our excitement about each other. We have got to let our light shine before others. We can no longer hold back – hide behind the silence of our religious code – turn our backs to the injustice of exclusivity.

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)

Then he redefines words like “adultery”, “murder”, “divorce”, “retribution”, all in an effort to promote the singular idea that we are to care more about others than we do ourselves. He redefines the laws of the land supposedly given to them by God, but interpreted through the filter of the religious scholars of their day, but with no filter.

Jesus comes as a God-man to speak a message of us to a world expecting something completely different. See, the entire story of God is like that, as discovered in the Bible. From the very beginning God gave up Adam and Eve to each other. He told them to stay away from the bad fruit for upon eating it they would surely die, and together they conspired to disobey God.

So what does God do? He kills them right? Of course not. He turns them lose and gives them a full life together. Because ultimately it was not about obedience, not about the rules, not about sacrifice. It was about us.(Gen 3:21)

Later on in the Old Testament, the Hebrew people listened to God enough to determine that they were to be a Holy nation, but what they failed to hear God say was “so that you may be a blessing to ALL nations.” (Gen 18:18, 22:18, 26:4 Ps 72:17, Gal 3:8)

From the beginning our religion was corrupted with exclusivity, separatism, and nationalism. So much so that the only way that God felt he could once and for all get through to the world was to come here himself, become one of us, and then speak the words of God for all to hear.

 Those words are: "ALL of this -- ALL of it, is about us. Nothing else matters." The Israelites thought sacrifice was more important than blessing nations and built an entire system of sacrifice to appease the God (they thought they knew) based on their experience with other Gods before Yahweh. However they failed to see the value of us.

God sends Abraham to the mountain to “kill” his only son Isaac in an effort to teach Abraham to stand up for his only son and reject the way of other Gods even in the face of God himself, and what does Abraham do? Without even questioning God, He tries to kill his own son to appease the God (he thought he knew), to the point that God has to send an angel to stop him. (Gen 22:11-12) The story is in Genesis Chapter 22. Here is verse 1:

"Some time later God tested Abraham."

One has to honestly ask what God was testing Abraham for. Was he testing Abraham for obedience, sacrifice? Or was he testing Abraham to see if he understood him as a loving compassionate God that values us above sacrifice and obedience? After Abraham seems to fail this test of listening, you don’t see very many more conversations between him and God in the Bible.

It’s as if God realizes that Abraham does not get it, nor will he ever. In fact the discussion itself begins with just God and Abraham, but ends with Abraham and an angel (that God presumably sent). God seemed to not even want to address Abraham after this.

Yes, he passed the obedience test, but he failed the even bigger test of us. This is a simple truth, but it can be life changing once you grab a hold of it. What if nothing else in the world were important but you and your significant other right now at this very moment? What if that friendship that is dangling by a thread for whatever stupid reason, is the most important thing ever and you are about to let it go?

What if it’s not about how you play the music, what you preach on Sunday, what your attendance is like, whether or not the kids love it? What if the value of church is the people? What if the politics and the social issues and the cultural issues, and the categorizations, and labels and divisions, and the party platforms, beliefs and religion and all the other STUFF -- what if they are all just a distraction -- a big game -- things to take our minds off of us?

If I lay here. If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we’re told, before we get too old. Show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

Stuck!

So last night my brother called us from Massachusetts and said that he may be coming over to visit on his way through to somewhere in Pennsylvania. He is a truck driver and is always on the road headed somewhere. So this was kind of a rare opportunity to hang out with him for a few hours while he was on a mandatory rest period.

He mentioned that he would be coming in 3 hours or so and was wanting to know if the weather was okay. Well my first instinct was to say no, it is certainly not okay. Which I did, and then quickly retracted thinking that maybe the weather would get better. I told him I would call my wife, Tammy (otherwise known as The Weather Lady). Tammy assured me that the worst of the snow storm would be over by 3:00 PM that day. She also mentioned that the southern route to PA might be more dangerous because of ice and sleet as opposed to snow. 

It was 2:30 PM and so I told my brother to come on to Albany and I gave him the weather report that Tammy gave me. Me and Tammy then went to the grocery store because we wanted to cook him a good home cooked dinner and we had a few things to pick up. 

He made really good time and called to report that the 90 on the east side of Albany was "pure white." He said that other than the cars he sees that were mostly tossed here and there stuck in the snow or being pulled out he could barely tell there was a highway in front of him. I told him that should probably clear up by the time he gets over the bridge into Albany. 

Parking 

On another note I had to think about where the best place to park might be for the 70' truck since it is not like he can just park on the street. I knew that my office was a great place to park because it is an industrial park. There is plenty of parking for trucks near my office and no one would even question him parking there. However, my office was about 40 minutes to the west of us, meaning that he would have to drive more in the snow for nearly an hour. He had mentioned in our phone conversation that he only had about an hour and a half left of driving before he was required by law to park the truck. 

That was when he was about 30 minutes out. Tammy and I decided that the school parking lot next door would be the best bet. So I scoped out the parking lot next door and found him the perfect spot prior to his arrival, problem was I underestimated the size of his truck and had not realized that getting the truck into that spot might be a bit difficult. 

Stuck 

So I decided to have him follow me when he arrived and I led him towards the school parking lot down a small side road. The idea was that we would make sort of a U-turn into the parking lot and park the truck next to the school. 

Here are some photos: 

Do you see those trees there at the apex of the UTURN? Yeah, well they were literally covered in thick hard ice that itself was covered by about 8 feet of snow. So we could not see them. In fact picture the entire area covered in snow with about 4 inches on the ground. Well as you can probably imagine when my bro took the turn, the underside of his trailer took down the top layer of snow and then sort of got jammed onto those trees and ice. 

He was stuck. He tried backing out the same way he came in... stuck. He tried pulling forward...stuck. His wheels were spinning with no traction at all underneath. I was sick. Here I am the younger brother trying to put my older brother in a safe spot - a place where he can just park and come over and relax -- and we now had a situation that would take us hours to actually resolve. 

In my head I tried to imagine what kind of tools we would need to get him out. I thought of using a shovel and just digging under the trailer to see what might be holding him in there so tightly. I imagined that a bulldozer was what we really needed to come in and just move the mountain next to his trailer. The whole time he is in his truck trying to go forward... then trying to go backward... over and again. 

I prayed. God please get him out of this mess. God please don't let any cops come by. God, did I mention I wanted a plow attachment for my truck this year and Tammy said "no?" I stood there in the falling snow and prayed and tried to tap into God's wisdom for the situation, and that's when I noticed them. 

Perfection Roofing to the Rescue 

My brother's rig was blocking half of the traffic on Essex street, but people were able to go around and they did. But there was this truck. With a plow attachment (you know like the one I wanted for my truck?). It was just sitting there. 

The truck in the image is not the one I saw, but I wanted to give you a visual. This truck was dark blue and had one of those V-type plow attachments. I decided to walk up to it to see if there was a problem, when low and behold two guys come out of the truck and meet me halfway between my bros stuck rig and their plow truck. 

I filled them in on the facts of the story. "My brother is a trucker. He came here to visit me. I recommended parking here. He got stuck." These two guys tried talking my brother through to no avail. The wheels on the truck were just spinning and spinning. Next thing I knew one of the guys comes up after having gone to his truck and busts open a brand new bag of salt. The two of them begin cupping handfuls of salt together in both hands and putting it on the ground where the wheels of the truck met the pavement. 

This was in an effort to melt the ice below. Moments later -- still spinning. Then the guys went to their truck for a little bit while we continued to try and think of a solution. I thought the guys had given up on us when one of them comes up to me and says, "We have a solution -- this is gonna work."

"Your brother needs to disconnect his trailer from the rig and then move his truck out of the way leaving the trailer right here." He gestures a lot with his hands like so many New Yorkers do. "Then he..." gesturing towards the guy in the plow truck "...is going to come over here and plow the shit out of this area." gesturing towards the ground. "Then your brother can come back and hook up to the trailer at an angle and push the trailer back off of the snow bank. Then he can disconnect again and then come in straight at the trailer and reconnect to move on into the parking lot or back out, or whatever the fuck he wants to do then." He smiled. 

It was one of those moments where the lights just come on in your head and you think yeah, that's what I would do. I got my brother's attention by letting him know that this guy has a pretty good idea and then the guy told my brother in the exact same fashion that he told me. Forty five minutes later after plowing nearly the entire back parking lot of the school (800 sq feet) the truck was unstuck and my brother was parked and everything was okay. 

These guys moved like experts, jumping in to help my brother back his truck up safely as spotters, flying through that parking lot with plow down moving the snow out of our way, and directing traffic like trained policemen. Afterwards the guys told us they knew of some better parking just a block away that they would be more than willing to scope it out for us, and so they left to go ensure it was as good as they remembered. 

I looked at my brother once they were gone and said "I wonder what this is going to cost?" 

"I asked them and they said 'don't worry about it'" He said. 

"Really? Wow." 

"Yeah I think I am going to at least give them 30 bucks, I mean that is at least something." Looking down at a handful of cash . 

I thought about how I did not have any cash on me and felt a little bad because this was a short payday for us, meaning rent is due and the surplus is little. I really had only a few crumpled up dollar bills in my front pocket. As we were deliberating, a vehicle owned by the school system showed up and I asked the guy inside if it would be okay for my brother to just leave the truck there overnight and the guy said it wouldn't be a problem and to just leave a sign in the window with a phone number. 

Later the guys from Perfection Roofing came back and we told them that we were just gonna leave the truck there and they agreed that it would be a good idea. We said our thank yous and our goodbyes and as they were about to leave, my brother handed the cash through the window to the guy driving. The guy responded by pushing my brother's hand and the money back at him saying "No thanks, man." 

My brother stuck the cash back in his pocket and I told the guys "Thanks a lot," that I was a pastor at the church around the corner and if they ever needed anything to let me know. The driver then said "well if you guys know anyone that needs some roofing or snow removal done have 'em call us." He pointed to the sign on his truck door that said "Perfection Roofing." 

Then the guys left. The rest of our evening involved a lot of eating, some beer drinking and family time. It was pretty great and my brother headed out early this morning, fed, rested and sufficiently familied. I don't quite know how to thank those guys from last night, but to me they were like angels sent by God to help. They knew exactly what to do and they did it, then they left without demanding anything else from us. 

Amazing. Here is their web site. http://perfectionroofingny.com/index.html If you are in the capital region and need some roofing or snow removal done, I highly recommend these guys -- I got a good feeling that they are as committed to doing great work as they are to helping out a trucker and his brother on a snowy wet night in a bad part of town for free.